Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Day 6 - What I Am Afraid Of

Normally, I'd say spiders. Spiders just freak me out. They have too many eyes, too many legs...just like the government. Plus, they are small and seem to appear out of nowhere! But spiders don't keep me tossing and turning at night. They aren't what cause me to randomly break out in a sweat and start hyperventilating.

What really scares me, and this may sound ridiculous, is vomiting in public. I am almost certain that this fear is the reason I became agoraphobic. When I'm in public and begin to feel a panic attack coming on, the very first thing that pops into my mind is: "Oh my god. What if I throw up?" Every single time. I vomited while I was at urgent care last year, with a very serious flu bug, and remember ladies in the restroom snickering about it and saying I was disgusting. I was horribly embarrassed. I think this is when my social anxiety really began. I would be horrified if that happened again. While deep down, I don't want to give a rat's rear end about what anyone thinks about me, especially when it comes to me throwing up in public, I can't help but care. 
I've even gotten to the point before, where I was too afraid to even leave my house, because I feared having a panic attack, which would lead to me throwing up in public. It became a vicious cycle. 

I have gotten really good at finding ways to prevent myself from having panic attacks without keeping myself locked up in the house 24/7, but every so often, I'll have a random panic attack. It has been especially difficult during pregnancy, since the morning sickness has made me feel like I'm going to be sick before even having a panic attack in the first place. 
I hope to one day overcome my fear completely and forever leave panic attacks behind me. Until then, I'll continue trucking along, trying my best to cope with it and stay optimistic! I refuse to let my fear take over my life. It's not a way to live!

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