Tuesday, December 31, 2013

New Years End

For many years now, every December 31st, I find myself sitting in front of the computer, listening to this song on loop, thinking or writing about the past year and trying to come up with resolutions, nearly all of which, I will never complete. xD I realize that this entry is not exactly butterflies and rainbows, but I plan to end it on a good note. ;)

2013 was not an easy year for us. In February, my brother moved in with us and stayed until the beginning of September. It was an experience full of trial, error, good laughs and at times, some frustration. After living apart for 3 years and Mike meeting him for the first time ever, it took a lot for us to become used to living under the same roof under new circumstances, as much as we all love each other. 

In May, my Grandma Anne passed away suddenly. My brother and I were fortunate enough to get a week off of work, to attend her funeral in Illinois. 

Since around that time, Mike and I have been back and forth between jobs and school and have been quite uncertain (numerous times) where we would both end up, all while expecting our first child. Money was tight, I was too sick to work in retail anymore by the end of July and Mike ended up going from a graphic design graduate looking for work, to a truck driver in the oilfield. 

As you may have already read, on Thanksgiving day, my future stepfather Axel died in an accident. Neither my brother or I were able to make it to Germany for the funeral or to be with my mother, who thankfully was able to fly here around mid December to be with her family. 

On December 20th, my Grandpa Martin passed away suddenly. I will unfortunately not be able to attend his funeral either. It's difficult enough to not be able to spend time with a loved one and "say goodbye" before they pass. What's even more difficult, is to not be able to even say goodbye at a loved one's funeral. This is the issue with my family and friends being spread so far apart from one another. It didn't really hit me that my friend Sebastian or my Grandmother died until I attended their funerals. It didn't seem real until then. So it really still hasn't "hit me" that Axel or Grandpa Martin have passed away yet and I need it to, so that I can emotionally come to terms with the fact and move on.

For the past year, I've been trying my absolute best to be there for loved ones as a wife, a daughter and a sister, while trying to prepare for motherhood. I admit I probably have not been the best friend this year. I realize what a huge barricade I've built between myself and those I care about in the past several months, because there has been so much to deal with, that I just can't even keep track anymore. I realize I've become a hermit and haven't had as much contact with the outside world as I normally would or should. 

But right now, I just don't have much to give. For so long, I always wanted to be there for everyone at all times no matter what, before even beginning to think about my own problems or issues and dealing with them. This slowly began to take it's toll and I became an emotional wreck. I can't afford to do that anymore, especially with my son being here soon and needing his mommy to have all her shit together, so she can give him her full attention.

This year coming to an end is exactly what I need right now. I want to just scoop up this whole year, pick out all the lessons and positive memories, thank it for the things it has taught me, pack it up in a box and send it off to the land of the past. And just plain be done with it.

I am so ready to meet my baby boy and for Mike and I to start our family with him. After all the loss, he reminds me every day that life goes on! I just picture my Grandpa Warren, Grandma Anne, Grandpa Martin and Axel all watching down on me with a smile from someplace beautiful, free of any pain or suffering. The thought of it truly brings me comfort. 
This year, I am going to get to experience so many firsts and I could not be more excited! I can't wait to be a mommy. Even though I know I know the coming year will be filled with trial, error and difficulties, I also know it is going to be filled with incredible experiences and memories! 

So I say sayonara 2013 and helloooo 2014! I will end this post and this year with a quote shared by my cousin:

"Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one."

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Monday, December 30, 2013

30 Week Ultrasound

Usually with the midwives here in Farmington at least, you get a single ultrasound; the anatomy and gender scan at around 20 weeks. But during that ultrasound, there were limited spine views, so we ended up getting another one on December 26th! It was like a late Christmas present.  

These were the only two good pictures we could get of him. In the others, you really aren't able to recognize anything. But little guy has got some hair! And he had his foot stuck up by his face again, just like he did last time, which was part of the reason we weren't able to get many pictures of his face. xD A few weeks ago, I could have sworn he turned head down, because I was feeling his feet up in my ribs. But last week, I started feeling low kicks again, so I thought maybe he turned breech again. I guess not - haha!

He is measuring in the 57th percentile, which is great. According to the measurements on the ultrasound, his estimated weight is 3lbs and 10oz. This would make his due date more like February 24th, but at this point in pregnancy, we are definitely still sticking with the original March 5th due date. Besides, ultrasound weight measurements can be so incredibly off. 
At my prenatal appointment today, my uterus measured 30 inches long and right on schedule with my due date, so we really aren't concerned. 

His spine and everything else looked wonderful! So this was definitely our last ultrasound. I am so glad that he is healthy and everything is looking good! I can't WAIT to meet this boy and kiss those chubby cheeks! :D  
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Wednesday, December 25, 2013

30 Weeks Pregnant

How far along? 30 Weeks today. 70 more days left!
Total weight gain/measurements: I finally weigh exactly what I did pre-pregnancy, meaning I've gained back the 13 pounds I lost!
Maternity clothes: Same as last week - definitely loving my maternity jeans!
Stretch marks? Honestly, I really can't tell whether I have a couple small ones around my belly button or not! They are very small though, so not a big deal. 
Sleep: With sleep it has sort of been hit and miss - some nights I sleep really well, others not so much!
Best moment this week: Most definitely celebrating Christmas with family! 
Miss anything?: My mom got some Coronas the other night and honestly, I found myself a little bummed that I couldn't drink one! Haha
Movement: Lots and LOTS of rolling. At the moment, I feel like this guy is beating up my organs - it's getting a tad uncomfortable! Man, I sure love feeling him move though! :)
Food cravings: Nothing this week
Anything making you queasy or sick? Again, nothing this week! I've felt nauseous a few times, but nothing in particular caused it. 
Gender: Boy :)
Labor signs: braxton hicks
Symptoms: Acid reflux, fatigue, what feels like a non-existent bladder and backache. 
Belly button in or out? It's out! Not sticking out far, but it's definitely not an innie anymore. 
Happy or moody most of the time: It's a pretty even mix of both! lol
Looking forward to: My ultrasound tomorrow! :D I am so excited to get to see our boy again! 

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Wednesday, December 18, 2013

29 Weeks Pregnant

How far along? 29 Weeks 
Total weight gain/measurements: Gained another pound this week, putting me at 152 - one more pound until I am back at my pre-pregnancy weight! :D  
Maternity clothes: I wear them just about every day. I've primarily switched to my maternity jeans when I'm out, because the waist of the yoga pants I was wearing is really tight! Poor Vince kicks right where the band is every time I wear them. I feel like they smoosh him! At home I just wear flannel pants, all of which I own have really stretchy waistbands.
Stretch marks? I think I might be detecting the start of one right under my belly button, but I'm not sure. If it is one, it's very small. 
Sleep: Sleep has been better this week. I think my fatigue has just gotten to the point where I'm too tired to care as much about how comfortable I am! Haha  
Best moment this week: My mom arriving yesterday! :D We sobbed a bunch of big sappy tears; it was so wonderful to see her.
Miss anything?: Not really!
Movement: Kicking up a storm! I think he has flipped out of the breech position, because I'm feeling his kicks higher up and have gotten a few kicks to the ribs. I feel and see his movement the most and the strongest on my sides, I'm guessing because of the anterior placenta.  
Food cravings: Finally can say I have a craving again! Cereal! It really agrees with my stomach and I eat it every day.   
Anything making you queasy or sick? Not really to be honest! :D How awesome is that?
Gender: Boy :)
Labor signs: I've been getting braxton hicks this past week often. They aren't painful, just very uncomfortable. I mostly get them when I'm on my feet - rarely ever has it happened while sitting down. And it happens randomly, with no pattern at all. They don't last too long either, which is why I'm not worried about them.
Symptoms: Acid reflux, fatigue and back pain this week. Occasionally nausea, but it usually doesn't last very long. (Yay! :D) 
Belly button in or out? My theory that my belly button is probably going to even out with the rest of my belly is starting to prove itself to be true. Every week, it comes out further and further and when I stand, the top half still sticks out. But you can't see it stick out through my shirt.
Happy or moody most of the time: Pretty happy most of the time! Emotional, but happy. :)
Looking forward to: Christmas :D It's my favorite holiday and I could not be more excited to have my mom and brother here. We haven't spent Christmas together since I was eighteen.
Unfortunately, I'm not 100% sure if Mike will be stuck working on Christmas, but we said if he does, we will just celebrate it another day, which is totally fine by me. :)
Also, hitting the 30 week mark on Christmas day! Then I will only have 10 weeks left in my pregnancy...it blows my mind how time is starting to fly! 

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Wednesday, December 11, 2013

28 Weeks Pregnant

How far along? 28 Weeks - Vince is the size of a cabbage this week.
Total weight gain/measurements: 151! Gained a pound this week. I think my midwife will be glad.  
Maternity clothes: Mike and I went to Ross on Saturday! I got my very first pair of maternity jeans - they are so comfortable. I actually laughed, because I picked out a few pairs to try on and it was the pair that MIKE picked off the rack that I ended up getting! I also found two nice longer-sleeved maternity shirts, one of which I plan to wear when we take our Christmas card picture. :) It was so nice to get a few more maternity items! 
Stretch marks? Not yet.
Sleep: Eh. Didn't ever end up taking Benadryl this week. I am not able to sleep longer than two hours at a time anymore and it is getting more and more difficult to fall back to sleep, sometimes impossible. One thing I wish I had been told before getting pregnant, was that sleep isn't just going to be bad once the baby is here. It's going to suck during pregnancy too! I think my body is trying to prepare me for when baby is here too, because I know I'll be getting up with him every 2 hours or so in the beginning for feedings.  
Best moment this week: Going to the mall with Mike! This is something we hadn't been able to do in over half a year. It was really nice! :)
Miss anything?: Still missing having a normal sized bladder! xD  
Movement: For the first time yesterday morning, I saw his little foot slide from about two inches above my belly button, down around the side of my belly! It was so cool...I really wasn't expecting to be able to see that with an anterior placenta! :D I wish Mike would have seen it. No telling when that will happen again! Also; I've definitely begun to notice more of a routine in his activity. Usually his most active time is at night or in the morning, when I am laying down, but lately I've been feeling and watching my belly dance around noon as well! :3
Food cravings: Still liking to eat yogurt every day! But it really isn't so much a craving.  
Anything making you queasy or sick? Acid reflux. I've been trying to eat foods that don't trigger it, but sometimes it just happens anyway. When I get it, it's usually at night, when I am laying down. If it's really bad, it will cause me to throw up and it is beyond unpleasant. Unfortunately, zofran does not help with this. I am planning on picking up some Mylanta at the store this week to see if it will help.
Gender: Boy :)
Labor signs: Nope
Symptoms: Not much of a change from last week. Main symptoms this week are acid reflux, back pain and fatigue. The fatigue I had in the first trimester is definitely back! I have been avoiding naps though, because I'm afraid they will just mess up my nights even more! 
Belly button in or out? Haven't really noticed a difference from last week. I do find it a bit amusing though, watching my belly button pop either in or out depending on the way I sit! When I stand it's always halfway out though.
Happy or moody most of the time: Happy most of the time, but definitely emotional! I will often cry for absolutely no reason at all, or for something so stupid, like a touching article, that it ends up making me laugh!
Looking forward to: My mom arriving! Not sure yet exactly which day she will make it into town, but she is flying in on Friday. Also looking forward to my next prenatal appointment on Monday! I haven't gotten the results from my glucose test back yet (assuming and hoping that is a good sign), so I hope to find out then.

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Sunday, December 8, 2013

What's Going On

I have been terribly behind on my blog challenge since around Thanksgiving. I promised myself I'd blog every day, but with all that has been going on lately, I have not made it a priority. I wasn't sure I was going to make this blog post, but I really haven't taken the time to openly express how I feel or talk about what has been going on lately, so I figured I would. 

On Thanksgiving day, my future stepfather passed away very suddenly, due to a very unfortunate accident. His funeral is on Tuesday and for several reasons, I am not able to be by my mother's side to support her. My mom has amazing friends who are able to be with her at this time, but she is half a world away and none of her family is able to make it over for the funeral. I am heartbroken, not only because of the fact that I can't be with my mother, but because I will not get the chance to say goodbye to him.

My mom is now going to be coming here for Christmas, flying back to Germany at the beginning of January, then flying back here again at the beginning of February until the end of March for Vince's birth. I am so glad that she will be around her family for the holidays. I could not imagine her being alone for Christmas, since we have no family in Germany at all. And it would be her first Christmas not only without one, but both of her children, since my brother moved to the US in February. I can't wait to give my mom the hug I've been longing to give her for the past few years. We both really need that right now.

I admit that it has not registered in my mind yet, that my future stepfather is gone. I spoke to him just a few days before the accident and besides having a cold, he was doing just fine. I can hear his voice in my head and see his face...I think my mind is trying to avoid admitting that he has passed. I edited a photo for the service of him for my mother and now that I think about it, I wasn't even able to really look into his eyes in the process. I felt like an emotionless robot working on that picture. Every time someone comments on the photo on Facebook and it pops up in my notifications, I can't look at it. I'm not sure if I'm able or quite ready to deal with it right now. I am so afraid that if I allow myself to truly mourn, I won't be able to be there for my mother the way I need to and my emotions will affect the baby. I know this probably wouldn't be the case, but I just need time to come to terms with everything. 

Besides all of this, Mike is getting into the routine of his new job and there are a lot of changes for both of us. We are both very glad that Mike was able to get this job and we finally have some good financial stability. But this job is really hard on him, both physically and mentally. He basically went from being a night owl graphic designer, sitting at a desk all day to lifting heavy chains and driving a truck in the oilfield, getting up at 5, sometimes 4 AM to go to work. And the fact that he is starting this job in the winter and we've gotten a bit of snow, has us both on edge. I have had my phone by me all day, hoping they eventually stop off for a break, so he can text me and tell me everything is going okay. 

While he is at work, I feel my son kicking up a storm and begin to freak out a bit over the fact that I am now in my third trimester and he will be here in less than three months. The "dragging on" feeling I had about my pregnancy up until now has vanished and reality is really starting to sink in. Don't get me wrong - I am BEYOND excited to become a mommy and meet our son! At the same time, I'm scared shitless of the unknown and hope to God I will make a good parent! 
And while my son was kicking away this morning, I spent a good hour sitting on the couch giving myself a pep talk, just to get over the ridiculous anxiety I was having over making a simple trip to the damn grocery store. >.< Thankfully, I worked up the courage and was able to accomplish my mission. :) I know it sounds totally ridiculous to be proud of yourself for doing something as simple as going to the store without having a panic attack, but it's a huge accomplishment for me! I just hope I am able to get to a point where I don't have to give myself a pep talk before leaving the house. And soon. I want to be strong for my baby boy and I want to get this issue under control - I don't want my issues to affect him in any way.

So I'm just trying to cope with everything the best I can, while supporting my family through changes and hard times and trying the best I can to deal with my anxiety. That's all I can do! I have faith that eventually, everything will fall into place. Things can't always be clear or fixed right away, they take time and I do my best understand that. After all, if we didn't have obstacles to overcome in life, how would we learn how to live and on top of that, appreciate the things we have? 

Hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season! I will try to get caught up on the rest of my blog challenge within the next few days. :) 
Much love, 
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Saturday, December 7, 2013

Day 30 - My Hopes for My Blog

With this blog, I mainly hope to provide insight through my own personal journey and experience to future mothers. I can't tell you how often I find myself watching videos and reading the blogs of women who have been through it all before! They have helped me learn, get a better idea of what to expect and help me get a better idea of the type of mother I want to be. These women have inspired me I want to be able to do the same for others. For this reason, I hope to reach out to more women and gain more followers. I know this will take time, but it is definitely possible and I will continue blogging away until it does. :) I also hope to continue meeting amazing fellow mommy bloggers! 

Besides my main goal, I hope to continue providing family and friends, who are far away, with updates and photos, since we aren't able to see each other often. I am so glad that the Internet has made that possible in this day and age! 

I also hope that this blog continues to help me personally. I don't just blog for the public - I do it for myself too! There is something about sitting here and sharing my thoughts and experiences with my readers, that makes me feel like we are all going through it together. I also love being able to look back on everything and see how far I've come! It encourages me and helps me to just keep trucking along, even when the road is bumpy.

To my readers and followers, I'm excited to include you all in my journey! :) I appreciate each and every one of you and all of your support. Thank you!
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Friday, December 6, 2013

Day 29 - A Confession

My confession has to do with this challenge - after Thanksgiving, when so much was going on between the sudden passing of both my stepfather and grandfather and my mother visiting, I totally slacked off on the rest of the challenge! Thank goodness blogger will allow me to edit the date on when these posts, so that everything still shows up the way it would have if I had posted every day like I should have! Honestly, today is the 27th of December and I was supposed to post this 6th. (Whoops!) So what you read in my worst habits post is 100% true: I really do put things off till the last minute! Haha xD

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Thursday, December 5, 2013

Day 28 - Most Embarrassing Moment

I can think of several small embarrassing moments, most of which either involve speaking the wrong language to the wrong person or sending messages to the wrong people. I CRINGE every time I think back on any of those occurrences! Or when I've seriously put my foot in my mouth and said something stupid. Also throwing up in public. 
A specific case that was a bit embarrassing happened on Friday the 13th. I remember it specifically: I was going to do the whole cheesy "run and jump into my boyfriend's arms" thing and in the process snapped my ankle and tore a ligament. It was incredibly painful and even worse, it must have looked beyond ridiculous. I spent two weeks on crutches. 

I can't think of anything else! Probably because I was either fortunate enough to do something embarrassing and have no witnesses (like doing a flip off the diving board, my bikini top coming off and putting it back on before anyone saw it was off) or I've somehow managed to permanently erase it from my mind! Haha

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Wednesday, December 4, 2013

27 Weeks Pregnant

How far along? 27 Weeks - I am now in the home stretch! Goodbye second trimester and hello third trimester! :D
Total weight gain/measurements: 150 this week! Yay! Finally seeing some progress. Just 3 more pounds and I will be back at the weight I was in the beginning of pregnancy. Since my appointment last week, I've been making an effort to eat more regularly and up my calorie intake. 
Maternity clothes: Same as last week. 
Stretch marks? Still none. I am kind of holding my breath for this one. I got stretch marks on my thighs and breasts when I gained weight a few years ago and I was 100% sure I'd be covered in them by now, but I have yet to detect a single one! Now that I've written this, I expect to find the first one tomorrow xD 
Sleep: Sleep is still not great. I'm exhausted, but can't seem to fall asleep until a few hours after I lay down. I wake up with Mike every morning and try to make myself go back to sleep for a little bit when he leaves for work, just so that I can get more than 5 hours of sleep! Sometimes I'm able to nap, sometimes I'm not - it really depends. I'm constantly tired though. Vince kicks me soooo much every time I lay down, particularly right in the bladder, which causes me to have to get up every 20 - 30 minutes to use the restroom. I'm tempted to start taking benadryl at night to help me sleep a bit. I need sleep more than ever now. 
Best moment this week: Getting news my mom will be coming for Christmas! I have not gotten to spend Christmas with my mother since I was 18 and I haven't seen her since I was 19. I am beyond excited to be able to see her in less than two weeks! :D 
Miss anything?: A normal sized bladder. I've probably said this before, but it's the case now more than ever. It was bad enough in the beginning of pregnancy, but with little man getting to where he is not so little anymore and sitting so low, I feel like I don't have a bladder at all really. I feel like the time between drinking something and using the restroom is just about as long as it would take the liquid to pass through my body, probably even shorter! 
Movement: Lots of kicking, gymnastics and hiccups this week! Even though it keeps me up and can cause me to need to rush to the bathroom before embarrassing myself, I am SO happy to feel him move! 
Food cravings: Yogurt. I don't crave it like crazy, but it almost always sounds good. It's light, goes down well and it's tasty. I found Noosa yogurt at Safeway yesterday and literally started jumping up and down. xD I thought they only carried it at Natural Grocers and I don't really ever shop there.  
Anything making you queasy or sick? Same things as always, but I've been doing a really good job avoiding them this week. I have to applaud Mike too; he has been so wonderful about maintaining the litter box every day and keeping it clean, despite how much he works, which really helps! If I feel queasy or sick, I don't hesitate to take a zofran, because I want to be sure to eat no matter what and gain the weight I need to during the remainder of my pregnancy. I haven't thrown up in a little over a week and I am SO glad! I'm just trying to take it a day at a time and do the best I can to not get sick. :) 
Gender: Boy :)
Labor signs: Nope
Symptoms: I've actually had a really good week symptom-wise. With my diet change, I have dealt with heartburn and acid reflux MUCH less than I had the past couple of weeks. This week my main symptom has just been back and round ligament pain. I find myself having to take a lot of breaks when I do chores or a lot of walking. I also try to create my shopping list in such a way that I just make one large circle through the store to avoid running back and fourth for random things on my list. So I'm taking every precaution possible to limit the symptoms I have control over! 
Belly button in or out? Same as last week, but popping further and further out every week! I have a feeling that instead of actually popping and sticking out, my belly button will sort of flatten out evenly with the rest of my belly. We will see! 
Happy or moody most of the time: It's been quite an emotional week. A very tragic thing happened this week, which I'm currently not prepared to go into, but it has been really hard. So I've honestly been sad this week, but at the same time glad I'm feeling better physically, excited for our baby boy and excited my mother will be here for the holidays! :) So as usual, very mixed emotions!   
Looking forward to: Seeing my mom :)

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Day 27 - What's In Your Closet

Oh man...do you really want to know? Haha! It may look a little chaotic, but there actually is a system. We just have very limited space at the moment, and I have not invested in storage containers or labels yet. I'm hoping once we have a strict budget set up based on Mike's income, that I can slowly start buying things to organize. 

On the floor of the closet are containers full of lighting equipment and a PA system, which Mike used with his old band. We don't want to put them in the storage unit, because the weather could permanently damage everything. 
Hanging, are all of our shirts, besides my tank tops. Those are rolled and sorted in a dresser drawer. As you can probably tell, all of his shirts are on the left on black hangers and mine are on white hangers on the right. Here's where my OCD kicks in: my shirts are all sorted by type and color. Mike's shirts are also sorted by type. It makes everything much easier to find that way, since the shirts are a bit crammed in and there isn't much space to browse.
On the shelf above are folded clothes that we don't wear as often, a bin of miscellaneous items and the fat tiger I got for Mike on Valentine's. :D We plan to put him in Vince's room once we have the nursery set up.

Above that (not visible) are backpacks, two suitcases and a few games. It's not a huge closet, so it's difficult to make do with such little space. We have one other closet in the nursery, which is also dedicated to storage, a few of my dresses and Mike's suits, all of Mike's guitars and once we have everything, all of Vincent's clothes. 

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Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Day 26 - Your Hidden Talent

Oh man. This one is hard! There are "talents" I have that aren't obvious when you first meet me, but I've pretty openly discussed them on here, such as painting shoes or speaking a second language (if you can even consider that a talent..?). And frankly, I feel weird talking about something I'm good at without feeling like I'm bragging or showing off. So please bear with me in this post xD

I guess there is one, although it's fairly general. I am a fast learner. Particularly when it comes to art/music related things, since I enjoy them and will put forth more effort in the learning process. I can't read notes, but I can pick up many instruments and teach myself a song or part of a song on them in a sitting, since I play by ear. I remember going to a friend's house who played accordion, and teaching myself how to play the song she performed in front of our class that afternoon. 
I learned how to ski by taking the lift all the way up to the top and THEN announcing to my fifth grade teacher that I didn't know how. I made it down the mountain eventually and went right back up for try #2, which went a lot smoother and faster.
I was able to catch onto sewing and knitting fairly quickly and it didn't take me long to get the hang of painting shoes. 

The funny thing is that this generally only applies to things I'm interested in. If I take an interest in something, I will bust my butt to learn how to do it well, no matter how long I have to try. My dad always said it would be great to apply this "talent" to subjects in school like Latin, History and Math, all of which I barely passed, if at all. Go figure - they were my least favorite subjects! ;D So maybe it would be more fair to say that if it's something I'm INTERESTED in, I'm a fast learner. Haha!
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Monday, December 2, 2013

Day 25 - Your Biggest Regret

I will begin with telling you that this post is not going to go in the direction it was intended to, but here it goes. This is probably going to sound stuck up, because everybody has regrets. But I will be honest, I really don't have any. Let me elaborate. Sure, there are a lot of things I did that make me cringe when I look back on them. For example:

- mouthing off and being a smart ass
- slacking in school
- quitting the violin
- staying in relationships with "toxic people"
- starting smoking
- saying things to people that were hurtful and/or rude

I could probably go on with this list forever. But here's one of the reasons why I don't regret them anymore. When I decided to quit smoking, I quit cold turkey. And it was ridiculously difficult. I regretted ever starting and wished I never had. But then I thought about it. If I hadn't started smoking, I wouldn't have met my friend, who convinced me to join a band, which introduced me to my ex, who introduced me to new friends, who introduced me to other people, who impacted my life, which ended up leading to me moving to the US, going to college, meeting Mike and having our son. DEEP EXHALE. (I promise, that is the longest sentence you will ever read on this blog!) It is SCARY and mind blowing how far this goes back. If I hadn't done some of the crap I listed above, I. Would. Not. Be. Here. And I like "here". I'd most likely be a completely different person in a completely different place with completely different people. Talk about butterfly effect! Every single time I catch myself saying: "I regret...", I end up having to stop myself and finishing with "Well, crap. If I hadn't done that, .... wouldn't have happened!"
That's not the only reason I don't consider past mistakes or bad choices regrets. Another example: I've said and done hurtful things to people, whom I deeply care about and I've put my foot in my mouth more times than I can count. But doing this has helped me learn several very important things: to work on my attitude, never lash out at people in anger and which things you just don't say or do, for starters. And importantly: how to suck it up and admit that you were a jerk and sincerely apologize when you have done something wrong. I am far from glad that I've hurt people in the past - it is the last thing I ever want or intend to do. And I know that making these mistakes, learning from them and continuing to do so, is essential in preventing from ever making them again.

That's all I've got.
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Sunday, December 1, 2013

Day 24 - What Attracts Me (In Love)

I'd be lying if I said that all I focus on is what's on the inside. I'm only human! There are certain appearances that I'm just not attracted to. But I will tell you one thing: no matter how attractive a person is to me on the outside; if they have an ugly personality, they become ugly to me on the outside as well. 
This is going to sound pretty cheesy, but Mike's qualities are the perfect example of attracts me. So I will use him as an example.

When I first saw Mike, he was sitting behind me in my very first college class. He just stood out to me. He was wearing an old studded leather jacket (which he had painted on), cargo pants and chucks. He wore his cap backwards and his bright red hair peaked out from underneath. He also had a very long goatee and tattoos on his hands. He looked like a total punk rocker. Yes, I know. I am the girl who falls for the guitar playing bad boy, who rides a motorcycle. (Except in this case, instead of a motorcycle, it's a tuner.) I immediately saw a red warning flag though, because every time I'd fallen for someone meeting this description in the past, it always ended badly. Every single time. But there was just something different about him. We all stood up to introduce ourselves in front of the class. I was so surprised by his voice when he spoke; he was totally soft spoken. When he smiled, he not only smiled with his teeth, but he smiled with his eyes as well. Another thing that caught my attention, was that every time he raised his hand or said anything in class, it was witty, funny and well thought through. 

When we first started chatting back and fourth, I was impressed by his intelligence. I loved the fact that we were able to have nice, long conversations without them turning into awkward small talk. I found that he really took an interest in the well being of other people. He was incredibly courteous, without coming off as fake or insincere. 
He makes me laugh like nobody else can. We have very similar tastes, but with enough of a difference to keep things interestingThe same goes for our personalities. It's really important to me that our interests point in the same direction though. Mike and I are both passionate about music and art. I love that we can listen to music together and I can get good, constructive advice and criticism from him when it comes to my work. This way too, I truly appreciate his music and he can truly appreciate my art. We are able to connect on a level that I have not ever been able to with any other person. 
One other thing that I appreciate every day, is what a good listener Mike is. He will remember things I've brought up randomly ages ago and repeat them to me, or use what I said to surprise me with something, which blows my mind every time. Because in most cases, I had forgotten I told him in the first place!
And lastly: he really knows me. A lot of the time, he just gets things without me having to repeat or explain myself over and over again. He is a truly thoughtful and caring person.

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