Tuesday, December 31, 2013

New Years End

For many years now, every December 31st, I find myself sitting in front of the computer, listening to this song on loop, thinking or writing about the past year and trying to come up with resolutions, nearly all of which, I will never complete. xD I realize that this entry is not exactly butterflies and rainbows, but I plan to end it on a good note. ;)

2013 was not an easy year for us. In February, my brother moved in with us and stayed until the beginning of September. It was an experience full of trial, error, good laughs and at times, some frustration. After living apart for 3 years and Mike meeting him for the first time ever, it took a lot for us to become used to living under the same roof under new circumstances, as much as we all love each other. 

In May, my Grandma Anne passed away suddenly. My brother and I were fortunate enough to get a week off of work, to attend her funeral in Illinois. 

Since around that time, Mike and I have been back and forth between jobs and school and have been quite uncertain (numerous times) where we would both end up, all while expecting our first child. Money was tight, I was too sick to work in retail anymore by the end of July and Mike ended up going from a graphic design graduate looking for work, to a truck driver in the oilfield. 

As you may have already read, on Thanksgiving day, my future stepfather Axel died in an accident. Neither my brother or I were able to make it to Germany for the funeral or to be with my mother, who thankfully was able to fly here around mid December to be with her family. 

On December 20th, my Grandpa Martin passed away suddenly. I will unfortunately not be able to attend his funeral either. It's difficult enough to not be able to spend time with a loved one and "say goodbye" before they pass. What's even more difficult, is to not be able to even say goodbye at a loved one's funeral. This is the issue with my family and friends being spread so far apart from one another. It didn't really hit me that my friend Sebastian or my Grandmother died until I attended their funerals. It didn't seem real until then. So it really still hasn't "hit me" that Axel or Grandpa Martin have passed away yet and I need it to, so that I can emotionally come to terms with the fact and move on.

For the past year, I've been trying my absolute best to be there for loved ones as a wife, a daughter and a sister, while trying to prepare for motherhood. I admit I probably have not been the best friend this year. I realize what a huge barricade I've built between myself and those I care about in the past several months, because there has been so much to deal with, that I just can't even keep track anymore. I realize I've become a hermit and haven't had as much contact with the outside world as I normally would or should. 

But right now, I just don't have much to give. For so long, I always wanted to be there for everyone at all times no matter what, before even beginning to think about my own problems or issues and dealing with them. This slowly began to take it's toll and I became an emotional wreck. I can't afford to do that anymore, especially with my son being here soon and needing his mommy to have all her shit together, so she can give him her full attention.

This year coming to an end is exactly what I need right now. I want to just scoop up this whole year, pick out all the lessons and positive memories, thank it for the things it has taught me, pack it up in a box and send it off to the land of the past. And just plain be done with it.

I am so ready to meet my baby boy and for Mike and I to start our family with him. After all the loss, he reminds me every day that life goes on! I just picture my Grandpa Warren, Grandma Anne, Grandpa Martin and Axel all watching down on me with a smile from someplace beautiful, free of any pain or suffering. The thought of it truly brings me comfort. 
This year, I am going to get to experience so many firsts and I could not be more excited! I can't wait to be a mommy. Even though I know I know the coming year will be filled with trial, error and difficulties, I also know it is going to be filled with incredible experiences and memories! 

So I say sayonara 2013 and helloooo 2014! I will end this post and this year with a quote shared by my cousin:

"Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one."

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Leah | www.sahmiam13.blogspot.com/