Sunday, December 8, 2013

What's Going On

I have been terribly behind on my blog challenge since around Thanksgiving. I promised myself I'd blog every day, but with all that has been going on lately, I have not made it a priority. I wasn't sure I was going to make this blog post, but I really haven't taken the time to openly express how I feel or talk about what has been going on lately, so I figured I would. 

On Thanksgiving day, my future stepfather passed away very suddenly, due to a very unfortunate accident. His funeral is on Tuesday and for several reasons, I am not able to be by my mother's side to support her. My mom has amazing friends who are able to be with her at this time, but she is half a world away and none of her family is able to make it over for the funeral. I am heartbroken, not only because of the fact that I can't be with my mother, but because I will not get the chance to say goodbye to him.

My mom is now going to be coming here for Christmas, flying back to Germany at the beginning of January, then flying back here again at the beginning of February until the end of March for Vince's birth. I am so glad that she will be around her family for the holidays. I could not imagine her being alone for Christmas, since we have no family in Germany at all. And it would be her first Christmas not only without one, but both of her children, since my brother moved to the US in February. I can't wait to give my mom the hug I've been longing to give her for the past few years. We both really need that right now.

I admit that it has not registered in my mind yet, that my future stepfather is gone. I spoke to him just a few days before the accident and besides having a cold, he was doing just fine. I can hear his voice in my head and see his face...I think my mind is trying to avoid admitting that he has passed. I edited a photo for the service of him for my mother and now that I think about it, I wasn't even able to really look into his eyes in the process. I felt like an emotionless robot working on that picture. Every time someone comments on the photo on Facebook and it pops up in my notifications, I can't look at it. I'm not sure if I'm able or quite ready to deal with it right now. I am so afraid that if I allow myself to truly mourn, I won't be able to be there for my mother the way I need to and my emotions will affect the baby. I know this probably wouldn't be the case, but I just need time to come to terms with everything. 

Besides all of this, Mike is getting into the routine of his new job and there are a lot of changes for both of us. We are both very glad that Mike was able to get this job and we finally have some good financial stability. But this job is really hard on him, both physically and mentally. He basically went from being a night owl graphic designer, sitting at a desk all day to lifting heavy chains and driving a truck in the oilfield, getting up at 5, sometimes 4 AM to go to work. And the fact that he is starting this job in the winter and we've gotten a bit of snow, has us both on edge. I have had my phone by me all day, hoping they eventually stop off for a break, so he can text me and tell me everything is going okay. 

While he is at work, I feel my son kicking up a storm and begin to freak out a bit over the fact that I am now in my third trimester and he will be here in less than three months. The "dragging on" feeling I had about my pregnancy up until now has vanished and reality is really starting to sink in. Don't get me wrong - I am BEYOND excited to become a mommy and meet our son! At the same time, I'm scared shitless of the unknown and hope to God I will make a good parent! 
And while my son was kicking away this morning, I spent a good hour sitting on the couch giving myself a pep talk, just to get over the ridiculous anxiety I was having over making a simple trip to the damn grocery store. >.< Thankfully, I worked up the courage and was able to accomplish my mission. :) I know it sounds totally ridiculous to be proud of yourself for doing something as simple as going to the store without having a panic attack, but it's a huge accomplishment for me! I just hope I am able to get to a point where I don't have to give myself a pep talk before leaving the house. And soon. I want to be strong for my baby boy and I want to get this issue under control - I don't want my issues to affect him in any way.

So I'm just trying to cope with everything the best I can, while supporting my family through changes and hard times and trying the best I can to deal with my anxiety. That's all I can do! I have faith that eventually, everything will fall into place. Things can't always be clear or fixed right away, they take time and I do my best understand that. After all, if we didn't have obstacles to overcome in life, how would we learn how to live and on top of that, appreciate the things we have? 

Hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season! I will try to get caught up on the rest of my blog challenge within the next few days. :) 
Much love, 
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